Today I sank.
There have been changes in my life lately. It's not the new job. Or that I feel like I don't have time for myself. Or the hot flashes. There are people in my life who are disrespecting me. In a way I've had to live with for many, many years. Until I had Boo, then I could tell everyone to stick it and I stayed home and went shopping and to play dates.
Somehow, these people with their disrespecting have come into my life again. I volunteered for this?
It's not any one of those things. It's a hundred little things and not any of them. It's my chemicals whirlygigging around me.
The soft part in the back of the roof of my mouth got tingly. And my neck got tingly tight. The way it does before the tears come sliding out the eyes.
I didn't want to do anything. Just lay around. I couldn't get up. I couldn't feed my baby.
My husband and son came to be with me. Boo wanted to know what was the matter. I said I didn't feel well. He sees my tears.
Are you sad mommy?
I don't know. I don't feel well.
Wait. Do you not feel well, or do you not feel well because you're sad?
He sat next to me, this little boy with Asperger's Syndrome. This boy without Theory of Mind. I said will you hold my hand.
Pudgy, dry, square hands.
He sat there and healed me.