3/1/09 Note: I wanted to share with you my sadness and loneliness, and my perspective and situation that made me feel that way. There are other factors too, my birthday not being a small part of that. However, I'm afraid I might have offended some of you and I'm sorry. I've edited my post with "some" and "often" to qualify my thoughts.
If you haven't noticed, I write whatever I find interesting. Somebody, an awesome somebody, I might add, said that I write about anything. I do, but I seriously edit what I post. There's discussion out there in the mama-blogosphere about whether we should edit our writing. I am a firm believer in editing, if only in my head. For me, one day may be some silly six-year old thing, another some cosmic contemplation. One thing I try not to be is a Bummer. Unless I warn you ahead of time. I think it's only fair.
So, what am I rambling about? I've been silent because everything I've had to say was a bummer. Because? I've been bummed out. I've been holding it in, even denying to myself that I am. My session with my therapist on Monday though, showed me that I need to be honest, first of all to myself. That being regretful, sad, angry, are part of the human condition. I don't know about you, but I need to hold the feeling in my hand, turn it around, look at it, parse it out, let it percolate. It is only then that I can place it in my psychological construct and be at peace. Don't think I'm this masochistic, narcissistic navel-gazer - ha! at least not usually!
I read all over the mama-blogosphere that others are having a hard time these days, too. It's that late winter blues thing. I almost think if we had had more snow, we might all feel better. I mean, God knew what He was doing when He made snow be white! It radiates and multiplies light and covers up the dullest, saddest scenes. Is snow a great metaphor for the Lord, or what? Winter is about dormancy, and the beauty and calmess of that. When you look, really look, you can see an infinite array of browns, grays and purples that can get lost in the vibrancy of the other colorful seasons. After awhile, though, we need to get out of the slumber - metaphorical death - and see the signs of Spring - the sign of hope. With snow, whether we realize consciously or not, whether we even give Him credit for it or not, we are reminded of the beauty that He can bring to us even in the darkest of days.
My "snow" came in the form of a dear dear friend, who herself is struggling from depression. I had been sorrowful at the state of the poor for weeks now. The President's speech, though encouraged by it as I was, only brought out the differences I have with some of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I sorrow at the lack of compassion and generosity that I see among some Christians. And I fear that when the day of reckoning comes, Jesus will ask us "Where were you when I was hungry and cold? Discussing theology at a conference?" I have been feeling so alone. Those with whom I am in agreement theologically, I often differ sharply politically. Those I agree with politically, I usually differ Biblically. I called this friend of mine to tell her I couldn't visit her this weekend feeling the way I did, and Handsome Husband in bed with an infection. As I shared with her my sadness, I realized, here, here is my gift from God to help me through this dark valley: a depressed person. A blanket of pure white snow, to shine light on my dark days. She held my hand, saying I understand, I agree, I see what you see.
I was going to visit her to help her, you know. Truly, God works in mysterious ways.