Today is my birthday. As my present, I am having a party on Saturday. I can't think of anything better than being with a bunch of girlfriends and yacking away the evening. Well, being with HH would be better, but you know what I mean. BTW, if you're reading this blog and you live near me, come on over! Chinese food at 6:30! I totally mean it. Boo can't seem to understand that the party IS my present. He keeps asking, "But what's your present?" This morning, he came to me all crazy-haired and no-pantsed and said "I know what can be a part of your present!! Lots of HUGS!" Those are the moments, aren't they?
So I'm keeping a stiff upper-lip an' all, but if you look in my eyes and ask me how I'm doing, I'll get all blubbery and start to weep. I mean, I love my life. I love that I'm wiser, I love my husband, I love our house, I love our little warty town. We're healthy. My hiney's sore from going roller-skating with Boo the other night and HH and I have various health annoyances, but nothing life-threatening. Praise. The. Lord. But maybe, maybe. Maybe I covet this life. Maybe I don't want it to end. You know, Death is the enemy. My pastor said that to me the other week and as long as I've been a Christian, I've never thought of it that way. We say "death and taxes," but death is not natural, from a Christian point of view, that is. I can't speak for the other religions. But God created us (Adam and Eve) to dwell with him forever in paradise (the Garden.) It was only by eating the fruit that made us die. Not drop dead right there at the trunk of the tree, but death would come to us. And don't ask me why God let evil in. Remember, this is going to be flighty and rambly.
The other reason, if I will admit it, is that I have regrets. I live my life living for today and looking for tomorrow - glass half full - but really? Honestly? I have regrets. I wish I had studied harder. I was one of those annoying people that studied just hard enough to get A's and B's. And get awards. And go to an Ivy League university. And get a Masters degree. I'm not bragging, because what did I have to do with inheriting a big brain from my PhD father?!? I think it's the fact that I was given this mind and that I sqandered it that makes me all the sadder. Many regrets aren't even my fault, but I am still sad about them. Molested, put down, misunderstood. Its only in my 40's that I've gotten it together. How much more glorious my life could have been.
So, I confess: 1) I covet this life, and though I don't like to think about it, 2) I wish I had lived a freer, more joyous life. I know, I know "This is the first day of the rest of your life."
Oh and one other thing. I now have wrinkles. My cancer scare and HH's health problems aged me 10 years. That totally sucks. Whew - this post is really depressing. I'm still told I look like I'm in my 30's, so maybe that's credential enough to post my How To Stay Young list:
1. Genetics: get birth parents that age well. My dad is in the middle and he's 80. The guy on the right is like 20 years younger.
2. Birth Order: be born last. Your family will always treat you as the baby, and you will always act like one.
3. Marriage: marry an "oldest." He will always act the oldest and adore you and take responsibility for all sorts of stuff so you can lay around and watch TV. Or blog.
4. Appearance: try to stay hip. But not too hip. You don't want someone getting close to you and realize "OMG, she's old!" Like Clinton and Stacey say: no miniskirts after 35. And as a male friend said: No bare midriffs after 18. OK, 20.
5. Expressions: be very animated with your facial muscles so you look like a little kid while you talk.
I'll take the tongue outta my cheek now. Have a good day.