I was lead by the pretty young tech into a soothingly darkened room. Everyone had been lovely. Efficient, kind and on time.

It was a different town, a different place. Eight years had passed. As I lay down on the gurney next to that machine, I didn't look but saw in my mind the bottle of gel, the computer screen, the little tracking ball and the wand. My heart remembered. That last time, the tech got very quiet as she wanded my belly over and over. She said the ominous words, "I'll call the doctor in." There was no heartbeat. My husband and I sat in the car in the parking lot and cried.

This time, the wand searched further up, but in no less of a meaningful place for me as a woman. The lump had been there for several weeks, but seemed to be getting bigger. The tech stepped out to have the images read and she returned with the doctor in tow.

"Uh oh. I don't think I want to see you," I joked to the kind Radiologist. "Biopsy," he said. "There are benign traits, but we want to be sure," he said. I sat in the car in the parking lot and cried. This time, alone. Suddenly, for the first time, I wanted to wear one of those pink ribbons.

God is still God, but I am, nontheless, Ultra Sad.



Ansley said...

I will pray.

blackbelt_oma said...

Thank you so much. I cannot ask for more.

Carla said...

Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I have been there twice. Please know that I am praying for you too! God bless you!

Grace said...

I have been checking for the past few days, waiting for you to post again. This is not what I wanted to read. I'll be praying.

MaryLu said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting.
I always return the favor, but had no idea you were going through this.
I'm praying right now.
(I see my friend Carla has been here, I love her blog!)
Good woman, she is!

Musings of a Housewife said...

I'm so sorry, and I will pray. When will you hear more?

grace said...

God loves you and is in total control. He will give you peace. I will pray for you.