I am underwater. Hard to move. Hard to hear. Thoughts percolate, then rise up and *pop* like soap bubbles. It's glossy and pinkish and bluish then disappears without leaving a trace. I'm left standing in a conversation with a blank look on my face. Like I don't get it, or I am incapable of getting it.

What was an almost neurotic sense of orderliness and perfectionism, girded by insecurities and overlaid with raging hormones has, over the years, melded into depression. Almost as if my emotions have given up. Tired from holding itself upright for so long. I've fallen back after getting to such a good place. Why? I don't know.

You know, it's not what you think.

It's not what I think. I'm perfectly functional and you'd never know I was depressed. I don't lay in bed with the curtains drawn, crying needlessly. No. I just can't finish a sentence. I keep losing that thought, that connection.

drift drift *POP*
drift drift *POP*

I can't get very interested in anything.

I should be blogging - Eden, garden walls, Israel, His sheep, neither Jew nor Gentile, neither male nor female, wives submit, ability and roles, insults, adoption, the barren, saints, princesses. SO many thoughts.

I can't get myself there. My mind drifts away...


Julie said...

As the old saying goes - One day at a time. Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other is all you can do. Take care of you and get help if you need it. I will be praying for you and hoping that this passes.

Lora said...

I came to say what Julie said. Take time, take help in whatever amount you need.

Anonymous said...

Grace- I could really relate to what you wrote. I have experienced these emotions and feelings. I do believe it's depression and yet the awareness that it's depression puts it at an entirely different level. Training and holding tight to my lifeline of Christian friends, being in the Word daily are a few of the things that have been helping me lately and just wanted to share. There just seems to be a huge mind/body/spiritual connection for me and if one is suffering then all of me suffers. Christine

Haley said...

Even your depression is written to sound beautiful. I hope this bout passes. I am sure it will. Emotions, hormones, stagnant feelings all move on. I have been here all too recently. Keep your head up, try to find those things that make you happy and focus on them, and take time to find yourself. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!

Grace said...

Sometimes I think depression is part of the "Creative Package." And you are so gifted with creativity. And smarts. Is it any wonder that you might be under attack spiritually? Not to mention the hormones issue, etc. Be assured. You are a gift from God to Earth. Gentle, appreciative hugs.