1.28.2009

Bond - Shaken & Stirred

My mother died over twenty years ago, but only recently, just recently, have I been able to say, "I miss my mom."

Look, she was difficult...high strung, demanding, a perfectionist. She was as warm and protective as a mama bear and yet could snap and nip just as quickly. But we were One at one time. When that bond is broken, by death, by estrangement . . . or by adoption, there is pain. Cosmic, profound, soul-wrenching pain. And all these years, I was ignoring the gaping wound, not believing that our bond could be so strong.

She never knew me. I never felt like she knew me. Or cared. She hated that I was so tender and sensitive. I think she wanted me to be strong and confident. And yet she was miserly with praise. Heaping measures of criticism came my way.

I'm not here to diss my mother. I am here to tell you how shaken I am at realizing, that no matter who she was, I can finally say how much I miss my mother. What have I missed by denying that? What energy have I subconsciously poured into waste drainage that should have instead sustained me and made me stronger?

Funny. I think I'm going to get stronger now that I've admitted this stirring in my belly, this ache, this throbbing, this unbreakable bond that is my mother.

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4 comments:

AmyP said...

When my mom died a few years ago I received all sorts of kind remarks, but one really stood out. It was sent to me via email and came from a vice-president at our company that I didn't know particularly well. In fact, he and I had our share of run-ins. Anyway, he said, "There is no one in life like our Mother." How true. When I am frustrated with myself for still being so sad and missing her so much, I remind myself of the truth in his words and am comforted again. I think you have realized in your own way what he said to me.

blackbelt_oma said...

You always have great comments for me. Thanks.

Grace said...

Mothers are our anchor to earth. They're the definition of "home." Though painful, I think it's a positive thing that you're able to feel an ache for your mother. My mother has been with the Lord for 15 years, but, to this day, I still sometimes ask the Lord to give her certain messages for me, because I am still discovering what an incredible woman she was. My admiration, respect and appreciation for her continue to grow. May the Lord bless your bond with your precious mother. May you discover His comfort.

Third Mom said...

My Mom is still with me, she's nearly 85 and sharp as a tack. We locked horns all the time when I was younger, and I share your frustration that she never really understood who I was either. She does now, and it's a great comfort. I don't let myself think about how much longer she may be here, because the pain of that realization is just too great. I'm simply enjoying and grateful for the time we have now.